Is it Worth it?

Finally, I am overjoyed. I overcame procrastination and began toiling on a new blog post. I will take a cookie treat after concluding this post. I am training my puppy brain to be more productive these days, and the cookie treat method is beginning to bear fruits!

It has been close to two years since I have been home. The master's degree is ongoing, and I have no idea when this labour will culminate. Artificial Intelligence is making me question my intelligence. In a way, maybe this article is being penned as an excuse for not working on my assignment(s).Shush. Amogh, stop. Stop exposing yourself.  

Despite the burden of these thorny questions in Artificial Intelligence pouring on me, the question that plagues me the most is - "Is it worth it?". 

No, I am not just talking about the degree. I am talking about taking my roots and supplanting it in foreign soil. Are my roots strong enough to flourish in a non-native environment? Are they disease-resistant to defy the bugs in Europe? I have been perturbed by this predicament for quite a while.

Since my last blog, a lot has changed. My social circle has expanded massively. I understand a teeny bit  (ein bisschen) of the German language. I am volunteering in many organizations, and have journeyed to a few countries. With some friends, we even formed a club for international students at my university! Wait. Let me return to the German part . During somewhat protracted and complicated conversations, I am like Brat Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, and all I can think of is "Arrivederci". My brain is rejecting a foreign language, as its primary mode of instruction is English. In a way, it is telling me - "Nope. I am not taking it".  Maybe I need to use the puppy training method again. 

I miss my family. I miss my friends back home. I miss my bike. I miss taking the car out to the beach on an empty road at 2 am to hear the silence of the waves. I miss simple things that I didn't value enough when I was home. I truly admire the life in Austria. I can replace the beach with a lake, a river or a mountain. Air is much cleaner, tap water can be consumed, there are growth opportunities, and most of the Austrians that I have met have been monumentally thoughtful and understanding. There were instances when people spoke broken English because they understood I struggled with German speech. A few groups switched to English to accommodate me in their discussions. To be honest, I try to avoid those situations because I feel ashamed and imposing, as they have to change their language solely because of me. 

I enjoy travelling. If it wasn't so expensive, I would travel to a different place every day! However, travelling can be melancholic as well. Why is that? When I witness kids with their families, particularly in places like parks, museums, and other public hangout spots, it reminds me of my family, and how distant they are. I recall when I was a chubby little kid and my parents took me to a public park and allowed me the freedom to be on swings and slides. Subsequently, when it was time to return home, my sister and I used to be excited to see where we would go for dinner. During festive seasons, staying in my dorm is even worse. Most students go home to spend time with their family and have Christmas dinner or Easter Lunch. Memories of my mom cooking salivating meals, and my having lunch or dinner with everyone run back to my mind faster than Usain Bolt's 100m record. 

Yes, I could have gone home during this stretch. However, I chose to remain in Europe and attend some summer schools and workshops. I had mesmerizing experiences in all these events and made many meaningful connections. For instance, I was impassioned while returning from a summer school in Kosovo because of the people I interacted with, and the mutual respect we still have for each other. They had no ill feelings toward me, even though India does acknowledge Kosovo's independence,

Ah! How can I forget the topic of functions! I have missed all the weddings of my school and college mates. I have a heavy heart whenever they ask me" Hey man, I am getting married on DD/MM/YY. Will you be here to attend the wedding?". During the customary mindless scrolling of Instagram, I see group pictures from these ceremonial occasions, and a humble smile drops on my face. No, it is not a smile of happiness, it is a smile of misery and helplessness. Of course, I can fly to India for these weddings, but I need a better bank account to do so. 

It also bothers me that the social circle is not permanent. Numerous people come into my life each month, but plenty of others leave the next. Some change dorms. Some change cities. Some change countries. 

 I knew, at least theoretically, that this was a part and parcel of being an expat. However, the practical lesson was a different game altogether. This makes me wonder - Is being away from my loved ones in my home country, and creating a new life in a foreign land worth it? How do I determine this? Is it with money? If yes, there is an opportunity to categorically earn more in Austria, because the Euro is much stronger than the Indian Rupee. Is it with the better environmental conditions in Austria? How about more opportunities to explore places in Europe because of the Schengen Visa? How do I weigh these factors? How many points do I give to the point that I need to spend more time with my parents because they are also ageing, and they are not going to be with me eternally? How do I identify the individual entity called Amogh, and separate him from the family aspect? 

I have no answers to these questions. All I am doing right now is just following Skipper's advice from the movie Madagascar. "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave". I expect things to balance out by themselves, and I hope that I will not regret these actions. 

Remember Amogh, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. 

And I want to dedicate this blog to every Amoghs who are having similar thoughts. Stay strong! It will end well. 😃