Foreign Lands - Foreign Struggles

  

 

"Well, screw this. Master's education for the win".

A dialogue that I had with myself around 1.5 years back resulted in these aforementioned words. It is time to leave the country, explore a little, and find myself again. Why didn't I move to the Himalayas as some people suggest? Simple. I am not fond of pain and misery.

With the age paranoia affecting me at a relatively young age, leaving my homeland for pursuing a Master's sounded like a stupendous idea. Destination? Austria. Johannes Kepler University (JKU) accepted me for what I am despite the Germans finding me unworthy. The specialization would be Artificial Intelligence. Time to hone my Tony Stark-esque skills to build a Jarvis. Let us make robots. Humans are despicable anyways.

Austria. The land of Dominik Thiem, Mozart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Freud, and Schrödinger. No, I will not be using the H person. Germany can have him. JKU, situated in Upper Austria, had a modern campus with covetable research facilities. Linz, the capital of Upper Austria, provided the best of the city world while keeping the grandeur of relaxing country life. I have not experienced the daunting Austrian winters yet, and people say I am about to face depression because of the weather. Nope. Not happening, I said confidently. (Crying in anxiety). 

However, the dire longing to return to Kochi hits me at least once in a week. The assurance that your family has your back in sickness and health. The pleasure of sleeping on my own bed in a baby-like crouching position. The joy of eating Puttu (rice cake) and kadala (chickpea curry), with pappadam (papad) for breakfast cannot be replaced by any amount of Schnitzel and pasta. I long for the rides with your dear ones to listen to the roar of the waves on the beach and the aura of the sea. Temple festivals where you can dance your heart out without the beats of EDM or bands, regardless of your dancing skills. The daily routine of hitting the gym or playing sports with people who care for your well-being. The chaos while crossing the roads and the loud noises you hear on the streets. The boisterous fish and vegetable markets where you put your bargaining skills, which cannot be taught by the top business schools, into action. The birthday parties. The immense joy you feel while hosting the wedding or engagement functions of your dear ones. The art of discussing random things you did in your college and school days. My precious Swiggy and Zomato that offered me products at 40% discounts.  

Sometimes you need to hold back tears while thinking about these.

Linz is spectacular, to say the least. The people are friendly and welcoming. Life is supremely calmer. The days are longer during the summers, while the nights stretch further during the winter. You needn't fear being chased by stray dogs, but you can find a dog with almost every family. The products in supermarkets pass several health checks, as the laws pertaining to food quality are on the higher side. Parties and events are mainstream, and people pay considerable attention to their health and well-being.

I have stopped converting Euro to Indian Rupees and crying about the products being cheaper in India. There is still a struggle of interacting with friends and family in India due to the difference in time zones. But, at times, WhatsApp and Facetime calls seem shallow. I miss physical connections. There are days when I check for tickets to Kochi, only to close the browser a while later.

I still wonder whether I need to start drinking. Alcohol doesn't interest me remotely. It never has. But the culture here is vastly different. Beer is consumed during breakfast, lunch, dinner, and untimely snacks. Can I blend in with the crowd, and party hard if I do not indulge in the custom of gulping an alcoholic beverage? Will I be accepted if I stand out? I am tired of providing answers to the "Why don't you drink" question. Coca-cola is my drink when it comes to the "cheers" part. Then comes the question of learning the language. German is intriguing, but I can only utter a few words and string them into sentences. The common reply from my end is Deutsch lernen (learning German) or Kein Deutsch (no German). 

Can I truly merge with a German-speaking group, and participate in activities without conversing in German? I am a student in their country. I need to learn the language. I am trying, but can I reach a level of German where I can hold witty conversations with people? Also comes the predicament of being an outsider. Before performing an act, I always wonder whether I am doing it the correct way. I wait for a native to perform it first, merely because I do not want to appear to be an idiot for not knowing the right way. The enthusiasm to take the initiative has been put on hold, as my inner self is still in the "Gaining Confidence" mode. People have been fabulous thus far. However, there is this constant struggle to see whether I would fit. I would give credit to my brain's over-thinking zone working overtime for this concern. The constant thought of whether people speak ill about you in an unknown language due to some action of yours is overbearing. 

The job part is still haunting me. If I had a Euro for every rejection I received due to the lack of German skills, I would have enough money to help Amber Heard pay the defamatory compensation to Johnny Depp. Rejection has been normalized to such a magnitude that my brain has set this outcome to default. But no. This is not an issue. There is still the motivation to try and succeed.

The hassle of finding a cohort where you can literally blurt out anything without having to worry about hurting someone is still bothering me. Such a mixture was found back home, but the process needs to restart here. Thank God for the trial and error process which helps you pick and choose your group. Some have come. A few have gone. You smile at some, even if you do not want to. You may think that you've found the group, but you will be hurt to discover that you are wrong.

I usually follow the wise old adage, " When in Rome, do as the Romans do". The question beckons. What degree of change do you need to consider to ensure that you are at peace with yourself? Have I found the balance for that? Not yet. Will I? I never know. Will I keep trying? Definitely.

Sometimes in life, there comes a point where you weigh the pros and cons and decided ahead. You fly across borders to start a new life. The struggle is real. It is not a bed of roses. 

New country. New people. New culture. New customs. New language. New lifestyle.  

But, at the end of the day, it is still the old you.  Nevertheless, as Phunsuk Wangdu says in the 3 Idiots movie, "All is well".

New life motto:

The future is bright if you generate the light by yourself. Be the sun, not the moon. You have chosen an enviable destination. The struggle will remain, embrace them and grow. In the future, you will be able to write a blog in German. You will get there. Slowly, but steadily.

Author Note:

This post is dedicated to all the wonderful souls who decided to take a leap of faith and leave their home country behind and are still searching for the balance between the old and the new.